2010 is a big big year to me. I am officially 21, I am EXPECTING to graduate this year, I need to look for a job, go through TR applications, etc. It is a bitter sweet year. A mixture of ups and downs, achievements and failures. Different from any other years, the failures I have encountered this year bother me much more. I performed badly in one of my most wanted interview, I did some silly mistakes that potentially put my graduation at risk, and today, I placed myself in another terrible situation.
I wrote rubbish for my written assessment. I knew how bad it went. Never in my life I felt so nervous about exam. I have been sitting for examination since the age of 5. With 16 years of experiences, I should be immuned to it. The fact is, it is going another way round(re-sensitisation??). The older I grew, the more panicky I become. Today during my assessment, my hand was shaky, heart raced like mad horse, my stomach was aching with nausea attack. I WAS LITERALLY FREAKED OUT!!!! Again, another failure of the year.
I know I have mastered the language to a certain level. My pressure pulled it all down. There is an old saying that pressure can motivate one to excel. But it is doing the reverse. I broke down in pressure. Has my pressure tolerancem declined or the stress level I gave myself has increased to an unbearable limit? I am angry at myself. But nothing can be done now but to go on with life. I have shedded tears, I have used enough vulgar words to curse myself. It is all done. I am leaving this behind my head till the result is out and the whole cycle of sad-crying-blaming-cursing-recovery may start again.
To comfort myself, I can only tell myself that I did gain something out of it. I hope i have gained strength. This time it took me 30 minutes to be myself again. Let me stand up from where I fall. I put this obstacle in my life and I shall be the one to remove it.
I need to learn to deal with my pressure. Need to stop giving myself too much stress to handle. The game of life will not be fun without some bitterness. Well, at least I have rooms to improve, a lot of goals to aim for at this point.
(what the hell, now i can write so quickly!!!)
Hahahahaha… Life life life..More excitements waiting ahead of me next year.
Sumin's Blog 